var text = new Array( "A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, 'You feel me first.' The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, 'Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet...'

The rabbit says, 'I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!' Then the rabbit feels the snake.

He says, 'Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue...'

The snake says, 'Oh no, I'm a lawyer.'

Submitted by: ZAMAAN", "Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'.

The barman says 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says,'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

Guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman!!! Why?'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, ' See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

Submitted by: Avik Debnath", "A sardarji newly learns english and introduces his family - a wife, son and daughter: Hi I am Sardarji, she is my Sardarni, he is my kid and she is my kidney.

Submitted by: Rahul", "A census taker in a rural Indian village went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, 'Lets see now, there's the twins, Ballu and Lallu, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seeta and Geeta, they're sixteen. And the twins, Ram and Shyam, they're fourteen.'

'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins every time?'

The woman answered, 'Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get anything!'

From: vineeta", "Santa Singh, Banta Singh, and Ghanta Singh escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Santa, 'Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!'

Santa jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... Santa slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

'C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Banta. 'Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!' says Banta. 'No! We like you! Just jump!'

'OK' says Santa and jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he's flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, Ghanta steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell 'Jump! You have to jump!'

'No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!' yelled Ghanta.

'No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!'

'Look,' Ghanta Singh says, 'nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...'

From: rohit", "Gullu Bhai was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

'What can I do for you?' Gullu politely asked. 'Are you selling something?'

'No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker.'

'A what?'

'A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in India.'

'You're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'

From: vineeta", "Newlyweds Santa Singh and Jaspinder were on their honeymoon trip and were driving down in their car to Chandigarh from their little town in Punjab.

They are nearing Chandigarh when Santa Singh puts his hand on Jaspinder's knee. Giggling, Jaspinder says shyly, 'Oye Santaji, you can go farther than that if you want to…'

So Santa Singh drives to Shimla.

From: s ramu", "Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'

From: neeta sharma", "Ghanta Singh was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Ghanta had just bought another large beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: 'I spit in my beer.'

When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:

'I spit in your beer too!'

", "A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the chemist if he can give him something to relieve it, and the chemist says: 'Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have.'

'Really? What's that?' asks the man.

'I go straight home and have sex with my wife. I suggest you try that.'

'Sounds great!' says the man, 'Is your wife home now?'

From: sujoy", "'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?' the suspicious wife sneered.

'No, I can't,' the husband replied. 'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.'

From: bharatiyajoker", "A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.", "Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart.

After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.'

'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'

From: BANDANJOT", "Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'Ten lakh Rupees!'

'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'

'I bought a house. How about your sack?'

'Bah... it was full of bills.'

'And what did you do with them?'

'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'

From: dhruv", "Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother.

'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'

From: vineeta", "Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!'

Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'

From: k_subramianiam", "Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything.

Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.

Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'

From: booze", "A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked.

'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!'

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed.

'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'", "A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'

The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'

From: sahil", "A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'

Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'

'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.

'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?

'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'

From: rick", "A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?'

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?'

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?'

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!'

", "Each morning the man was enraged that the tea cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the tea delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the man's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The man couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!'

From: gayatri", "A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'The man says 'The bad news.'

The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'

The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'

", "A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.'

'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'

The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'

'Yes,' replied the man.

'Did she like it?'

'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''

From: id4", "One day, after Laloo Yadav had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, 'You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?'

'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.'

'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?'

'Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2.'

From: rohit", "A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'

'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'

'About two minutes ago,' came the reply.

From: jamesbhond", "A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'

From: ritu", "A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.

'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'

'Throw out an anchor, sir.'

'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'

'Throw out another anchor, sir.'

'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'

'Throw out another anchor.'

'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'

'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'

From: rohit", "The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.

'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa Singh.

'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.

'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Banta - dead'.'

'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly.

'That's it.'

'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'

'Yes, you should've,' snapped the Santa. Now let me think a minute... okay, here goes: Banta dead. Maruti for Sale.'

From: mast-ladki", "A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.'

'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'

The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'

'Yes,' replied the man.

'Did she like it?'

'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''

From: id4", "Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, 'Head up or head down?'

'Head up,' said the doctor. 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. 'Head up or head down?' said the executioner. 'Head up.' 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. 'Head up or head down?' 'Head up.' 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: 'WAIT! I see what the problem is!'

Contributed by: id4", "Santa Singh had been a sick man and was in the hospital, near death. The family called in Banta Singh, his best friend to stand with him.

As Banta stood next to the bed, Santa's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Santa used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

Banta thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Santa had died. He said, 'You know, Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.'

He opened the note, and read, 'Please step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!'

Contributed by: id4", "An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in India when a young Indian lawyer approached him and asked, 'Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?'

When told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Hindi. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

'No, no,' he replied. 'We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks.'

From: priti", "One Bengali Babu went to Cannought Place in New Delhi to purchase an umbrella. He had been told in Calcutta that one could bargain for better prices in Delhi also. Bengali Baboo: How much does this umbrella cost?

Shopkeeper: Rs. 200

Bengali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 100?

Shopkeeper: Ok I'll give it to you for Rs.150.

Bangali Babu: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?

Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.

Bangali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 50?

Ths shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don't you take it for free??!!

Bengali Babu: OK, can I have two of them?

From: ashish", "As the crowded elevator descended down Bihar Bhavan, Rabri Devi became increasingly furious with her husband, Laloo Yadav, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young girl. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the beautiful girl suddenly whirled, slapped Laloo, and said, 'That will teach you to pinch!'

Bewildered, Laloo Yadav was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, 'I... I... didn't pinch that girl.'

'Of course you didn't,' said Rabri, consolingly. 'I did.'

From:BOOZE", "At 11.55pm, Banta Singh was watching television at home. He began to get nervous because it was almost 12pm. He was worried that stupid things done by sardarjis would soon start being reported on TV.

He wondered how he could stop this? Switching off his TV was not enough, since all his neighbours would be watching and they would get to see any reports that came up on TV. So Banta got up and rushed out. Posing a TV repairman, he went to twelve of neighbours houses and damaged their TV sets.

When he returned to home his TV ws showing the news: 'Mad Sardaji causes havoc in neigbourhood!'. Banta felt quite pleased with himself, 'Good thing I destroyed all those TV sets! I knew this was going to happen!'

From:Jagbir", "A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, little Santa Singh stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Santa?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

From: Villy", "Hari and Gani walked toward each other on a country road. Hari carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. 'Hey Bhai,' Gani drawled, 'What's in the bag?'

'Chickens,' was the reply.

'If I guess how many, can I have one?'

'You can have both of them.'

'OK, Five?'

From: Sunny", "Santa - Main tumse Shaadi nahi kar sakta.
GF - Kyon!

Santa - Mere ghar wale mana kar rahe hain.
GF - Kaun hai!

Santa - Meri bibi aur baache.", "Name of the son

Ques-What'd be the surname if the son born to a single father
Ans- Eknathji.

Ques-What'd be the surname if the son born to three fathers.
Ans- Trivedi.

Ques-What if born to a suspense one
Ans- Guptaji.", "1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi
Maa: Nahin beti log kya kahengey?

2007 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi
Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!", "Santa was busy removing a wheel from his auto.

A man asks santa why are you removing a wheel from your auto.

Santa: Can't you read the board, 'Parking is only for 2 wheeler.'", "Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. 'Boss', he said, 'The pill actually worked!' 'That's all fine' said the boss, 'But where were you yesterday?'", "Customer: Do you call this a full meal? You served me twice as much yesterday.

Waitress: Where did you sit yesterday?

Customer: By the window.

Waitress: Oh, that's why. We do that for advertising purposes - it gives people passing by the impression that this is a good restaurant!", "Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: They are called Turks, now What are the people of Germany called?

Student: They are called Germs.", "I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.

Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?

Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over." );