var jk = new Array("A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, 'You feel me first.' The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, 'Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet...'

The rabbit says, 'I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!' Then the rabbit feels the snake.

He says, 'Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue...'

The snake says, 'Oh no, I'm a lawyer.'

Submitted by: ZAMAAN", "A teacher was teaching her class to use good manners.

She asks a student, 'Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?'

He responded, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher replied, 'That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?'

'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'

The teacher responded, 'That's better, but it's still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?'

Peter said with a smile, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.' ", "An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the country.

Little Boy points at the picture of the man on the top of the list and says 'He is the MOST WANTED in the country?!'

Officer says 'Yes!'

Little Boy asks, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

From: rabri", "There once was a barber who ran his shop with the help of his servant. One day this man walks into his barber shop and says, 'What time do you close today?'

The barber replies,'6 o'clock.' And the man leaves.

The very next day the same man comes back and asks the same question,'What time do you close today?'

The barber once again replies, '6 o'clock.'

The man leaves only to return again the next day. This goes on for about a week when the barber feels the guy is pretty weird. So when the same man comes into the shop again and asks what time he would close, the barber replies, '6 o'clock.'

And this time the barber asks his servant, 'This guy keeps asking what time I close but never comes for the haircut, go follow him and see what he does?'

The servant follows him and comes back several hours later and says, 'Boss... I don't know what he does but this I can tell you - he goes to your house and leaves at 6 o'clock!'

From: Reena Sangha", "A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, 'Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, 'No, I won't sleep with you tonight... you pig !'

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, 'I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.'

To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, 'What do you mean $200 for a blow job?'

From: RoadSideRomeo", "The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

From: v.sigamani", "A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. 'I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,' he insisted. 'And, I don't expect any hassle from you.'

'Also', he continued, 'I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.'

Those are my rules', he said. 'Any comments?'

His new bride replied, 'No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not!'

From: Neil Shah", "A man walks into a bar and sits in front of the bartender and says to him, 'Bartender I bet you $300 that I can piss in that jar way over there standing from right here.'

The bartender said, 'What! You telling me that you can piss in that jar so far away standing here without spilling a drop?? You've got yourself a deal!'

So unzips and starts to piss everywhere, he pisses on the bartender on the table on the phone, on the glasses and everywhere else. The bartender was laughing and crying at the same time and said, 'You idiot you pissed everywhere except the jar, you owe me $300!'

The man zipped up and replied, 'Hold on just a minute.' And he walked back into the bar's pool tables, whispered to the guys playing pool and returned to the bartender.

With a large smile he handed over the money to the bartender. 'Why are you laughing? You just lost $300!', the bartender asked.

The man replied, 'Well you know those men back there, I bet them $500 that I can piss on the floor, on the chair and even on you and you're gonna be happy about it!'

From: sabrina sardar", "An elderly man is driving down the national highway when his mobile rings.

Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end. She says, 'Please be careful when you're driving back. I just heard on the radio that there's a maniac on the national highway. He's driving the wrong way!'

'It's not just one,' the man replies, 'There's hundreds of them!'

", "Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. God asks all of them, 'When you are lying there after the accident and friends and family are mourning and crying, what would you have liked to hear them say about you?'

The first guy says, 'I would liked to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'

The second guy says, 'I would have liked to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.'

The last guy, a sardarji replies after much thought, 'I would have liked to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'

From: BOOZE", "A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off.

His girlfriend asks, 'What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?'

The guys tells her, 'If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.' She agrees, but asks, 'What if someone sees us below the car?'

The guy tells her, 'Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'

So under the car they go, and have the time of their life.

Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' So the couple give him the answer saying, 'We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'

The cop shouts back at them, 'You should have checked your brakes first. You car has rolled down the slope!'

K.Shaw", "Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals.

The first one said, 'I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.'

The second man said, 'I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.'

The last man said, 'I want someone to say, 'He's moving, he's moving!''

Sent by Wayne Gray", "Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'

From: neeta sharma", "'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?' the suspicious wife sneered.

'No, I can't,' the husband replied. 'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.'

From: bharatiyajoker", "A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.", "Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart.

After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.'

'True...', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'

From: BANDANJOT", "A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked.

'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!'

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed.

'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'", "A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.

The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.

As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'

The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'

From: sahil", "A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?'

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?'

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?'

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!'

", "A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'The man says 'The bad news.'

The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'

The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'

", "A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.'

'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'

The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'

'Yes,' replied the man.

'Did she like it?'

'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''

From: id4", "A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'

From: ritu", "A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.

'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'

'Throw out an anchor, sir.'

'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'

'Throw out another anchor, sir.'

'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'

'Throw out another anchor.'

'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'

'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'

From: rohit", "Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, 'Head up or head down?'

'Head up,' said the doctor. 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. 'Head up or head down?' said the executioner. 'Head up.' 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. 'Head up or head down?' 'Head up.' 'Blindfold or no blindfold?' 'No blindfold.' So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: 'WAIT! I see what the problem is!'

Contributed by: id4", "A woman walks into a bar and sits down, she notices a man sitting a couple seats down. She watches as he takes a shot, runs to the window, jumps out, flies around the building and then sits back down.

Astounded the woman asked how he did this.

He answered, 'magic shot.' She tells him to do it again to prove it.

He slams another shot and repeats his performance.

The man looks at her and says 'go ahead give it a try.' The woman orders a shot, slams it, runs and jumps out the window and falls to her death.

The bartender looks over at the man and says 'You know Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk.'", "A woman is having lunch with a few of her friends one Sunday when she announces she has discovered a way to keep her husband from staying out late at night. 'Last night when I heard the front door open and my husband enter, I yelled down, 'Joe, is that you?''

Her one friend turns to her and asks, 'How is that going to stop him from staying out late?'

She replied, 'My husband's name is Charles.'", "A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus.'", "A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The doctors were at a loss so they decided to try one last quasi-medical trick.

They went to her husband and said, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlined - no pulse, no heart rate.

The doctors ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked.'", "A man is driving home drunk. He gets pulled over by a female cop and she notices that he's drunk so she arrests him. She starts to read him his rights: 'Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.' The man screams out, 'TITS!'", "A man and his camel were lost in the desert for months. The man got really horny and decided, what the hell, a camel is better than nothing.

He put the camel in position, climbed behind the camel, and just as he was about to enter the camel, it ran off. He chased the camel down and tried again, but it ran away again.

He tried this five more times before he came across a beautiful woman lying in the desert. She was dehydrated and close to death. He took the woman to a oasis and revived her.

The grateful woman wakes up and says to the man, 'Thank you for saving my life. I will do anything for you.'

The man smiles and replies, 'Anything? Really?'

'Yes,' the woman says, 'Anything.'

'Well,' the man says. 'Will you hold my camel for me so he stops running away?' ", "The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.'

The boy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?'

The little boy answered, 'No, he minded his own damn business!'

From: shaan", "This dumb guy walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once he gets to the head of the line, he loudly says, 'I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.'

The librarian looks at him for a moment. Then whispers, 'Mister, this is the library.'

The man nods. Then he WHISPERS, 'I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.'", "A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

'Are you crazy?' yelled the customer, 'with your hand on my steak?'

'What' answers the waiter, 'You want it to fall on the floor again?'", "A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to Get away and told the female, 'Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. 'Look,' she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

From: Div", "A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero'

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.' Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The man said, 'Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.'

From: Rina", "A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'", "A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

'What on earth,' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, 'is that?'

He smiled condescendingly. 'That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.'

'Well, then,' snapped the little old lady, 'why isn't it?'

From: ghazab", "Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, 'keep tightly closed.'

From: ramu kaka", "'How long will it take to pull my tooth?' The patient asked the dentist.

' Only two seconds'

' How much will it cost?'

' Fifty dollars.'

'For only two seconds of work?'

' Well,' The dentist answered coolly, ' I can pull it very slowly if you prefer!'

From: h r pradeep", "A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

After a while, the husband said 'When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.'

His bride replied, 'I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.'

From: chameli123", "The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

'Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,' answered the patient. 'You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?'

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, 'Pay me in advance.'

From: seema", "This guy says to his buddy, 'You'll never believe what happened last night.'

His buddy says, 'Well then, tell me what happened.'

The guy says, 'Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.'

She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'

I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door.'

From: mike", "A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.'

'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.'

'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'

From: biz", "When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, 'Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.'

He listened a while longer, and said, 'There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling.' So the magistrate kept listening; 'There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth...'

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered, 'My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.'

From: ramona", "A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - 'I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?'

'Oh, not any more, he doesn't,' the other replied.

'What stopped him?'

'I started talking about my next husband.'", "As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.'

She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?'

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, 'Here, iron this'.

From: ramesh krishnan", "A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?''

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.' ", "" )